← BackTom Fortes Mayer
Chapter One

Introduction
& Ground Rules

The opening pages of the book. Raw, direct, and unfiltered. No crystals. No chakras. Just the truth about self-sabotage and how to dissolve it.

Oh no, not another fucking self-help book. Telling people how to live their lives. The same stuff regurgitated over and over again. So much nonsense. So, let's do this differently. No crystals, no lentils and definitely no fucking chakras. Jeez.

I will be straight with you. Why did I write this book if I hate most self-help books? Because I was fucking up my life without even realising. I was a self-destructing, self-sabotaging nightmare who caused a shitload of trouble for myself. And I really wish someone who had worked this stuff out had come and had a word with me and saved me from fucking up the first third of my life with debauchery, dysfunction and distractions.

That was my way of fucking things up. Yours might be different. Yours might be over-working, procrastinating, never really trying or maybe doom scrolling all fucking night. Maybe you are addicted to saving the world or taking photos of your cat or some other bullshit. Whatever it is that stops you from actually making the most of your life.

But mine was particularly messy. And it cost me a lot. But I didn't know that I was doing it to myself. I didn't know that the issue I had was self-sabotage. I didn't know that was a thing.

So, I had to go and figure that out — but what I discovered was even more disturbing.

All the people that were supposed to help with this stuff didn't have a fucking clue about self-sabotage. Most therapists, coaches and psychologists have not got this worked out. They have either got it all round the wrong way or they are missing some of the vital bits that make it work.

It took me a long time and a lot of trial and error. Turns out, that stopping self-sabotage is fucking tricky. There are some key things you need to know, and some key things you need to do — and they all have to be done in the right order or it doesn't work.

So, I have dedicated the last 26 years working this out and trying to create a process that systematically fixes this stuff so that you can stop getting in the way of yourself and making bad choices. And that is what I want to share with you. I think it will save you from a bucketload of struggle.

So, bear with me, and I will do my best to make this as punchy, short and interesting as possible. With no dolphins, pan pipes or rainbows. Ok?

But, if I piss you off on the way or I say something you hate, give me some leeway. Don't miss out on something that could make a massive difference in your life, just because I am a dick every now and again. Or because you don't like my turn of phrase. Or because it is making you uncomfortable in places.

So, let's do this!

Modern life is a joke

What I mean by not “Fucking Up Your Life”

If you are human, you are at least partly fucked up. Everyone is. Life seriously messes with our heads. But most people don't do anything about it. If we don't sort that stuff out, it fucks up our life in all sorts of ways. But thankfully, when we do sort it out, things get better. A lot better.

You might read this and think, “Well, I'm ok. My life's pretty good. I'm doing fine, thanks.” But I haven't written this book because I think you're having a terrible life. You don't have to be deeply miserable, on crack or living in the gutter to be “fucking up your life”.

Compared to what is possible, many of us are still fucking up our lives by:

Does any of this sound familiar? This is pretty typical human stuff. But don't underestimate how much trouble this stuff causes. It massively blocks your potential. And it doesn't have to be that way.

Life can be so much easier when we are free of all this self-opposing, self-sabotaging bullshit. Why? Because you finally get to be your most epic self. And that version of you gets shit done.

When we can learn to get out of our own way, everything starts to flow, and we begin to shine. We unleash the enormous amounts of fucking brilliance that lies within us all — if only we take the time to unblock it.

So, could your potential be lying untapped? Yep, it could. It happens all the time. And that is a terrible thing.

Why does it happen? Because modern life can be seriously hard at times, right from the get-go, and most people don't know how to deal with it properly. They don't want to let it get them down, so they push it all down and plough on regardless and hope for the best.

But because nothing gets properly dealt with, all that stuff builds up and ends up clogging the system with negative feelings and massively limiting beliefs. This fucks up everything. Because the quality of our feelings and the power of our beliefs determine everything that we do.

So, when I say “Don't Fuck Up Your Life”, I'm not trying to stop you from blowing up your life in humungous ways and ending up living on the streets — although things like this can happen if the unresolved stuff gets out of hand. Instead, I'm talking about not wasting the extraordinary potential within you.

It would be such a crying shame if you missed out on your wildest dreams just because you either didn't know you had stuff to deal with, or worse, you simply didn't know how to deal with it.

So, seeing as you're here on this crazy planet hurtling through space, you may as well make the most of your time here.

Let me get one thing straight from the get-go: I'm not here to force you to change or push you into being someone new. There's nothing to “achieve” here, and there's no pressure. This is not about a departure from who you are. This is much more about you returning to who you truly are, beyond all the bullshit you've had to deal with and who you have become to handle that stuff.

I'm not here to judge, criticise or lecture you. I'm not some motivational bro dude trying to get you to wake up at 3am every day in order to “crush your life”. This is definitely not about you only having value if you make eight figures in your sleep, or how many fast cars or superyachts you have. I don't give a shit about any of that. That stuff is fine. It can be fun. But it's not important.

I'm here for one purpose: to show you how the stuff we all have to deal with can really block our potential and fuck up our life — if we let it. Because all that negative emotion and limiting belief ends up creating within us a self-destructive part of our psychology. A part of us that wants to struggle and suffer. It wants to tear you down. It wants you to fail. It definitely doesn't want you enjoying your successes.

That self-destructive, self-sabotaging part of you really fucks things up. I call it the “inner fuck-up”.

Without us maybe even being aware of it, we get split into two parts: one part of us wanting, and doing, what is best for us, while the other part seems to do things that tear us down. That self-opposing behaviour in psychology is called self-sabotage. And it's what this book is all about.

In short, by “Unfucking” ourselves, we unfuck our lives. Good news all round.

The definition of self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is: repeatedly making bad choices that fuck things up.

But let's be absolutely clear — this is not about being stupid, lazy or undisciplined; nor is it about a lack of confidence or a self-esteem issue. Rather, self-sabotage happens when a part of your own mind gets stuck in an unconscious pattern of repeatedly causing you to act in ways that seem opposed to you doing well.

The most common internal symptoms of self-sabotage are:

The most common external symptoms of self-sabotage are:

All this stuff is common. And it really fucks things up. A lot.

My own journey from “Fucked” to “Unfucked”

Since the year 2000, when, at the age of 27, I had a life-altering experience on a hilltop in Goa that led to me questioning everything about my life, I've been obsessed with self-sabotage and how we can sort this stuff out. Because I realised after this epiphany that I had spent the whole of my life before this moment totally fucking up my life in all sorts of ways. I had been sabotaging my own success and happiness, and it was costing me dearly.

But the worst part was that I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. And much more importantly — I had no idea how to stop it.

And so began my obsession with how to stop self-sabotage.

The last 26 years of my life has been dedicated to studying everything I could to understand self-sabotage and how to stop it as rapidly as possible. I studied a lot of different traditional and alternative approaches. So many of them were great in many ways, but they still didn't fix the primary problem.

Through all of this exploration, experimentation and practice, I discovered the essential missing pieces that enable people to actually stop self-sabotage. This led me to formulate the “Unfuck Your Self” process that I am about to share with you in the pages that follow.

Cracking this process led me to running a successful therapy practice for 26 years, first in Birmingham and then on Harley Street in London. I have also run hundreds of in-person and online courses with thousands of people from all over the world — all of it about teaching people how to stop self-sabotaging and start enjoying more success and happiness in their lives.

All the right pieces, in the right order. Once those steps are followed, your life will be transformed in many ways. I have seen this happen thousands of times with different types of people from all over the world. Self-sabotage is a universal problem, and resolving it always has such a profound impact on people's lives. It's a beautiful thing.

The Golden Benefits of Unfucking Your Self

My Unfucking Myself Journey

From 14 to 27, I was profoundly lost. I didn't know it, but deep down I didn't feel good about myself, so I made bad choices. I was hard to love. I pushed good people away. I didn't look after myself. I took unnecessary risks. I was uncomfortable around good and peaceful people, and instead I craved the drama and difficulties that come with dysfunctional people.

I was cynical and sceptical, judgmental and selfish. I had never applied myself in school — I told myself it was all bullshit, but really I was deeply afraid to fail, so I didn't try. I couldn't bear the idea of trying really hard and discovering that I didn't have what it takes. So I gave up on the path of school, exams and “sensible” career choices, and instead I threw myself into the search for pleasure, which I was very committed to. I was very thorough.

This was in the early '90s, when not just myself but huge swathes of youths in the UK, nauseated and disenfranchised by the greedy materialism of the eighties, were stepping out of the rat race and looking for new ways of living. Hence the advent of rave culture in the UK.

I ended up making a business out of pleasure. I ran raves and parties. I peddled potions, pushed pills and ran myself on a cocktail of everything, anything and anyone I could get my hands on. As I said — I was thorough.

I thought my hedonism meant I was free. And in the beginning, we thought we were part of a liberating revolution. I now see how lost I was. How scared. How heartbroken at the state of the world. Underneath it all, I was sad and afraid.

I'm not surprised we all just wanted to get high — but this wasn't liberation. It was obliteration. And it was messy and risky. We were living and partying beyond the law. Lives got ruined. Many ended up either in jail or losing their way with all the drugs and drink. Me? I got lucky. I only lost a decade.

The years from 17 to 27 were a blur. I turned 27 in 1999, and as the end of that year approached, the end of the millennium loomed large. As a committed hedonist, I knew I couldn't let this be just an ordinary New Year's celebration. This was a new millennium, and it had to be welcomed accordingly.

So I decided to go to Goa, where the psychedelic raves of the early '90s had been hands down the best in the world. I went to India not in search of spiritual enlightenment (I wasn't a seeker), but in search of basslines, pounding beats and the biggest speaker to put my head in. And indeed, that New Year's Eve party was among the best I've ever been to.

In short, I had an interaction at that party with an incredible wandering holy man — an interaction that changed forever how I saw myself and life. He showed me the interconnected nature of reality. He proved to me that if we choose to be servants of love and truth, we will be looked after. He taught me that if we become a blessing in the lives of others, we will be blessed. It was a pure transmission that landed deeply in my soul.

In that instant, I went from being a nightclub party promoter who was, at the core, profoundly lost, to someone who realised that in constantly searching for the next high or external pleasure, I had been missing the whole fucking point of life. Which, in my opinion, is peace. The meaning of life is to build a life filled with peace and contentment. And to do that, we have to realise that we are either the cause of our own peace or the cause of our own stress. Nothing external is the answer. Peace is an inside job.

In that moment, I saw that I had been profoundly sabotaging myself and making this beautiful life that we're blessed with massively harder than it needed to be. I had unconsciously been blocking the happiness, contentment and deep inner peace that I so deeply longed for.

The feeling lasted for about 30 minutes in its purest form. It was both exquisite and excruciating. I was both laughing and crying, with my heart breaking for how much trouble I had caused myself and my loved ones. The most crushing part was the realisation of how unnecessary it had all been. I learnt in that moment that my natural state of being is pure peace. Golden, joyful, exquisite peace.

That is what our consciousness feels like beyond all the bullshit. This Golden Peace just gets covered up by all this unresolved stuff that we drag around with us. The peace isn't gone. It just gets tuned out. Blocked. But once blocked, it starts fucking things up in all kinds of ways.

Truth is, it's complicated to unpick. Even after this huge epiphany, my whole life changed, but I still really struggled with self-sabotage. I was no longer partying, and I was on a mission to make a more beautiful life for myself, full of meaning. I now had a purpose and something I was passionate about. I was truly helping people and feeling so much more fulfilment.

But I kept doing things that were not in my best interest. Intellectually understanding that I was sabotaging myself didn't make it stop. That is why talking therapy can sometimes be so frustrating. Conscious insights and understanding help you see more clearly that you are being a dick, but that alone is not enough to stop it.

I could still see myself consciously making bad choices. And even though my new work as a successful therapist and writer was moving in the right direction, it felt slow. When I watched other people with seemingly less talent and less experience succeeding much more easily, I would feel so much frustration and envy. It was so painful.

But deep down, I knew I was part of the problem. I was the common denominator in my own struggles. The painful self-sabotage patterns kept repeating in my life like vultures circling a corpse. Even the successes I experienced along the way often felt flat, pointless or meaningless.

I now know, after years of further study, research and experience, that the reason for the self-sabotaging behaviour continuing was that it simply cannot be stopped through conscious choice alone — because it's not driven by the conscious mind.

It's driven by a part of the unconscious mind, and the only way to stop it is to be willing to go and find, meet and speak to that inner part of yourself in a very specific way.

Not knowing this back in my 20s and 30s cost me a lot of time, money and heartbreak. So, if I can save you even some of that trouble, it will make me very happy. My life has been transformed by this process. But the journey was slow. Fortunately, your journey doesn't have to be.

The Golden Truth About Fear and Love

What I learnt in my moment of clarity in 2000 was so simple and pure. Every model of peace, contentment or transformation I have studied since has confirmed what I am about to share with you. The whole of the wisdom traditions can be reduced to two statements. The truth of the human condition. Ready?

1. If you come from fear, you will fuck up your life. 2. If you come from love, your life will be fucking brilliant.

Simple, right? No. Not fucking simple. Why? Because fear (and the self-sabotage related to it) is not easily undone.

Fear has its place and purposes in life (mainly to keep us safe), but the modern world is now:

No fucking respite whatsoever. It's overwhelming. Madness abounds. And fear and sadness follow that. So much so that every 40 seconds in the world, someone takes their own life. This shit is getting out of hand.

Modern life is beating us up, so we have to learn how to unpack all this bullshit. We have to learn how to detox ourselves from all this fear, over-stimulation, overwhelm and sadness clogging our systems.

So, this is what I really want to share with you in our time together: how to undo fear, so that you don't waste all your time feeling unfulfilled, you don't fuck up your chance to have an epic life, and you can operate from a place of pure love and enjoy everything that this incredible world has to offer, with greater ease.

If you can give me just a few hours of your life to work through the ideas in this book, I will give you the very best of my 26 years of experience delving deeply into the psychology of self-sabotage. I have been in the trenches, digging myself out of holes that I created — with no shovel, no ladder and no understanding. Moving the dirt with my own bare hands, lost in the dark.

So I know how horrible it can be when we can't get clarity on anything, and everything feels mired in conflict, compromise and complexity; in sadness, seriousness and stress. This is not me talking down to you from some ivory tower, expounding theories. I am with you. On my knees, battle-weary, looking up at you. I'm handing you the shovel and ladder that I've crafted. Battle-tested tools that I know really work.

The modern world being set up the way it is, people can so easily get to the end of their time here without ever even realising that they were held back by all their own fears, restrictions and self-sabotage. Never fully happy, fulfilled or contented. Never fully at peace. Never fully free.

Fuck that. Nuh uh. Not on my watch. I will give my all to help you. I will not stop until you have everything you need to get out of your own way.

So be honest with yourself:

Note: this isn't about never-ending more-ness and greed. I just want to know if you feel you have more in the tank that you would love to have the chance to give. If so, then the insights, process and tools in this book are going to be of enormous benefit to you.

One of the best things about the “Don't Fuck Up Your Life” process and tools that you will be learning is that you can use them yourself — independently of anyone else. You can use them to find love, peace and freedom within yourself. No middleman required. No medication. No priest.

There is a deep intelligence in you. An inner genius, in fact, whose intelligence is powerful beyond measure. You can use the process and tools in this book to discover how to tap into that intelligence to help you dissolve self-sabotage and bring your best to life.

And the good news is that the tools I want to share with you are joyful to use.

Spoiler alert: you will be using music in a specific way to fix all of this.

I've found through my years of experience helping thousands of people overcome self-sabotage that combining these tried-and-tested psychology tools with powerful music is the most incredible way to access your inner intelligence. So get ready for some epic music and some wild and wonderful journeys into your inner world to Unfuck Your Self.

But before you agree to dive in, be warned that fixing this stuff is raw, it's real and, at times, it's really hard. But it's worth it. In short, devoting time to this stuff gives you a much greater chance of not only living more happily, but also of dying feeling like you didn't fuck up your life.

A Golden Death

You have two options on your deathbed:

  1. 01You, full of regret, knowing that you didn't make the most of your life.
  2. 02You, feeling proud, satisfied, authentic and at peace with the life you led.

What value would you place on that feeling of satisfaction on your deathbed? To be able to have what I call a Golden Death. And what value would you place on being the best version of yourself right now?

A life full of peace

Your natural state. I am not here to fix or add anything to you. I am here to help you carve away everything that isn't you.

The Unfuck Your Self process in this book is, at its heart, about a return to your purest form of expression: you, in your element, free from fear, functioning from a place of love, and having a fucking great time.

That blueprint exists inside you, just like the statue of David carved by the brilliant Michelangelo. At over four metres tall, this masterpiece is perfect in every proportion. If you simply look at the definition of the veins on the hands, you will be dumbfounded. This breathtaking creation was carved by hand from a heft of marble that was incredibly difficult to carve. Two other sculptors had given up on it. And yet Michelangelo persevered.

Once the sculpture was completed, someone marvelling at the glory of his incredible achievement asked him, “How on earth did you manage to make David?” And Michelangelo gave the most beautiful answer. He said, “David was already fully formed within the stone. I didn't make him. I simply removed everything that wasn't David.”

That perfect beauty already existed within. And was simply revealed. So, let's free you from all the stuff holding you back that isn't really you. Let's find out who you really are.

You get one life. And it has brought you here to this moment with me. I am ready; my sleeves are rolled up. I pause, holding my breath, everything hanging in the balance. My hand is stretched out to you; I hope you take it.

Ground Rules for Reading This Book

  1. 01No matter what, finish the book. If you decide to go on this journey, you are committing to finishing the book, no matter how uncomfortable it might get. There are times when you might unintentionally sabotage the process by trying to avoid some of the painful home truths being presented. It all comes good in the end, so please keep going so you don't miss out on the good stuff. If we are doing this, let's do it to the end.
  2. 02No jumping ahead. Some books you can dip into, pick a page at random and browse for pithy insights and handy revelations. This book is not that. Certain things have to be covered in a certain order, so read everything in the order it is presented. Pretty please.
  3. 03Don't talk to your parents, or other carers, about this book until you have finished the whole book. It may feel tempting to discuss what you are discovering as you read, but please don't until you have read the whole thing. I will cover how to talk to your family about it all later in the book. Otherwise, you might accidentally ruin a beautiful opportunity.
  4. 04Bear with me. Some of what I share may challenge you or even upset you. Sometimes things I say may feel odd, unusual or, at first glance, might conflict with some deeply held beliefs you cherish. Please give me permission from the outset to confront you in such ways, so that you can see where you get to if you just go with it. True change is often at least a bit harrowing. Your inner cynic is welcome here. Be cynical but be fair. Engage fully, and only then assess.
  5. 05Grant me permission to speak to parts of your inner mind. At times, this process will involve me speaking directly to the parts of your unconscious mind that are running the show and causing issues for you. I want to engage them in a dialogue. This is completely safe and an essential part of how I will show you how to get these parts of you on your side. I will need your permission to do this. It may sound a bit weird now, but it will make sense once we get going.
  6. 06Hold it all lightly. Whilst this is important work, it doesn't have to be overly earnest, and if we bring a heavy energy to it, it will be much harder. Yes, this book might ask you some difficult questions, but try not to bring an overly serious or heavy attitude. Be curious and open and remember that this is all about helping you to enjoy life more easily. Approach everything with curiosity, and hold everything you read with a playful spirit — akin to someone opening a present they know they are going to love.

Before You Commit

I'm aware that part of you might be feeling a little (or even a lot) nervous or resistant about agreeing to the terms and continuing. Part of you might even be feeling so uncomfortable that you feel like putting this book down already. So please know that any or all of this would not be unusual at this stage. Some people might want to run away at this point. Or suddenly might want to binge-watch something.

It is just your unconscious mind doing its best to look out for you. It is on your side, but it might actually fuck up your life if you are not careful. So do your best to convince that part of you to agree to the above terms and continue.

Here are my promises to you:

So, with all of that said, I have two important questions to ask:

  1. 01Do you promise to honour the six agreements above?
  2. 02Do I have your permission to take you on this journey?

If your answer is yes to both, say it out loud and continue reading. If you cannot agree to these terms, put the book down and return to it when it feels right. You are welcome back here whenever you are ready.

If you're still reading, I will take it in good faith that you will stick to these agreements. Then you have given your word. And I will hold you to it at times.

I am excited. So, here's the plan for what we are going to cover. The book comes in three parts:

Where useful, there will also be some other elements throughout the book to help support or deepen your understanding of the process and the tools: exercises, case studies, self-sabotage check-ins and Golden Nuggets — essential principles or key pieces of information that warrant your special attention.

The Golden Thread — all the way through this book, there is a golden theme. Key words, truths and distinctions are named as golden. These will thread through the text, weaving all of the vital information together. Anything named Golden is important.

◆ ◆ ◆

End of Chapter One

Return Home